Edge of Everywhere

“She’s such a tease”

Posted on: October 13, 2008

I’ve been thinking lately about common negative statements used to decribe women, and how they might apply to asexual women in particular. The one that probably bothers me the most is the idea of a woman being a “tease,” because in my opinion, there is no such thing. The word reveals very little about the woman it is used to describe and a lot about the person who uses it; this person is very often a heterosexual man with bruised ego who believes that he has been denied something—usually sex—after perceiving that a woman promised it to him in some way. The ways in which a woman can make this so-called promise can range from dressing sexily or flirting to kissing and engaging in certain types of physical activity but declining to participate in others. By this standard, an asexual woman, just by living her life and doing what she desires but not what she doesn’t, is inherently a tease in that she is likely to make these kinds of implicit promises countless times but never deliver on them.

In high school, a friend of a friend whom I barely knew in person but talked to online sometimes asked me out—over AOL, as a multiple-choice question. Very classy, I know. I declined. Later, my friend recounted a long car trip on which this guy supposedly spent a significant amount of time ranting about how I was a bitch and led him on—”she led me on” being the more PG-rated equivalent of “she’s a tease.” How did I lead him on? By talking to him on the internet and being nice to him, I suppose.

Heterosexual men need to get it through their heads that women do not ever owe them a date, a kiss, sex, or anything else along those lines—no matter what we do that makes it seem like we may want those things. We shouldn’t have to worry that our words and actions will be misinterpreted and lead us to be labeled as liars and temptresses.

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3 Responses to "“She’s such a tease”"

I guess it all comes from that stupid idea that the only reason someone spends time with a person of their prefered gender is that they are sexually attracted to that person…

Most people I know have been convinced for years that I am either secretely dating my (male) best friend but unwilling to admit it for some reason, or that we are just both blind but will soon come to our senses and realize that we have been in love for years. The fact is that I have never seen him this way – I love him like a brother, but I never wanted to date him, and I know he never liked me that way either (he’s gay, after all).

I think people in general should realize that there are many reasons why we may find someone interesting and want to spend time with them – that is does not always have to be about sex or dating. I wonder how these people who call others “teases” for not being sexually attracted to them can have so low self-esteem and believe they have so few personal qualities that the only reason why someone could like them or be friendly with them is sexual interest…

Oh, right, I forgot. These people probably think that their sexual attractiveness IS their greatest personal quality. It’s sad, really, to assess one’s worth by this unique criteria.

Yeah, it’s frustrating when people assume that any two people who are good friends (but especially any guy and girl, regardless of their orientation) must secretly be hot for each other.

You make a very good point when you say that people must have low self-esteem if they think they have no other qualities people could like them for besides their sexual attractiveness! I’ve never thought of it that way before.

It is a totally random thing for anyone to use as a main criteria for assessing their or anyone else’s worth.

OtQIHH Thanks for good post

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