Edge of Everywhere

Archive for March 2009

America’s romance with bromance continues with the new Paul Rudd/Jason Segel comedy “I Love You, Man.” I’m still deciding whether it’s worth $12.50 to see, but I am intrigued by the plot: a man who’s engaged to his girlfriend realizes he doesn’t have anyone to be his best man, and sets out to make a male best friend. People try to make friends all the time, but it’s highly unusual to see a plot focusing specifically on this quest.

If anyone sees it, let me know what you think.

Long before I knew about asexuality, I had a very clear understanding of how I experienced attraction. I’d say it goes all the way back to middle school, when I started occasionally having crushes on guys. I noticed that I never got crushes on the guys who could immediately be identified as “hot” – only on guys whose looks I never thought about until I got to know and like them, at which point I would start to find them cute, although it was still unclear exactly what I wanted from them besides to be around them and get to know them better.

While these occasional crushes on guys made me figure that I was straight, I eventually became aware of the fact that I felt the same way about hot guys (including famous ones) as I did about hot girls. I never fantasized about having sex or a relationship with them. Sometimes, I just wanted to be them – I wanted whatever quality it was that made them so attractive and cool. But my ego also wanted them to notice me, to think I was hot and awesome as well. I wanted to exist in their lives and enter their inner circles, and get the validation that comes with being approved by and seen with the elite. For sexual people, that validation can come through mutual sexual attraction. Society teaches us that the highest stamp of approval you can get from a person is to be wanted by them, that the way to get the closest to them is to sleep with them. Sometimes it feels strange not to want that and not to be able to get that sort of validation.

When I see these people on the street, on the subway, on stages, I’m drawn to them and I feel vaguely unsatisfied, like I want something from them, but not what I’m supposed to want. I have yet to find out if there is a way to get an equivalent of the satisfaction and validation that sexual people seek in dating and getting with highly attractive, alluring and talented people.