Edge of Everywhere


Posted on: May 31, 2009

Yesterday, I spent some time with a guy I met recently. He seems like someone I could become good friends with, but he made me a little uncomfortable by repeatedly complimenting my looks, saying things like “it’s a date” while discussing further activities we could share, and telling me before he went home that although he didn’t want to put any pressure on me, he wanted to put it out there that he’s “interested.” It seems like I should be flattered by these things, but I found myself just being annoyed by them because I don’t operate on the same wavelength. When I first meet someone, all I’m looking ahead to is the next fun thing we’re going to do together, and I am unable to envision any sort of romantic future when I don’t even know them yet.

I’ve written before about wanting the ego boost of male attention. In reality, though, I’ve found that it’s not very satisfying. For some women, knowing that men find them attractive and alluring boosts their self-esteem. I’ve come to realize that for me, this attention rings hollow, and what would really make me feel good about myself is knowing that a guy thinks I’m awesome and wants me in his life even if I end up having no sort of romantic interest in him whatsoever. I’ve heard people talk about how they have “enough friends” and are specifically trying to meet new people with the goal of finding a partner. I have a feeling the guy I was discussing above might fall into this category. I don’t want my value as a person to be tied in any way to whether a guy has a shot at getting with me. I don’t want it to be considered a loss if all I can offer someone is friendship. I don’t click with many people, and I think my friendship is a special thing that should be appreciated. It makes me feel bad about myself to imagine someone not wanting to be friends just because he has a different idea of what he wants from me, as if I’m not smart/funny/interesting/exciting enough to be given a place in his life if I don’t fit a specific role he’s trying to fill.


4 Responses to "Self-Esteem"

Wow, I can totally relate. While I do appreciate knowing that others think I’m attractive, I often find it just gets in the way. I’m looking for a friend, not a boyfriend, and it seems like guys want the opposite, and that gets in the way. Honestly, why can’t men and women just be friends? Why do people always have to turn it into something it’s not and doesn’t need to be?

I can also relate a lot to what you’ve said. I do find attention boosts my self-esteem, but I also find that someone really wanting to get to know me and know my opinions on something makes me feel a lot more valued. I hate that it’s so hard to ‘just’ be friends with the opposite sex, and particularly to hang out with them one-on-one without either them or everyone else assuming it’s something more, or will be. Society sucks!

I don’t know if this guy knows your ace, but since you just met him recently probably not. It sounds to me like he definitely sees you as a really cool friend as opposed to a girl he’s just trying to score with. Either way, he’d still have to have game and that’s what’s he’s trying to do with the compliments and such.

Thanks for your comments, everyone! It’s nice to know that other people understand what I’m experiencing.

Ace Ameoba, you are correct in guessing that he does not know I’m ace. However, I’m pretty sure he is intent on pushing things in a romantic direction, and have a feeling we will end up just not being friends at all if things don’t work out the way he may want them to. That has unfortunately happened to me more than once before.

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