Edge of Everywhere

I Don’t Care About Your Wedding

Posted on: June 19, 2009

It seems that when a woman announces that she is getting married, it is the duty of all the other females in her life to get hysterically excited and immediately start drilling her for all the details of the proposal, wedding plans, and so on, and then maintain that level of excitement through the whole process. It’s one of those rituals I just don’t understand at all, because when I hear the news, I don’t feel anything, except maybe annoyance at the fact that I will inevitably have to fake excitement.

It’s not that I don’t care about the happiness of the people in my life–quite the opposite. And if they find meaningful relationships that make them happy, I think that’s truly great. However, I don’t understand why I’m supposed to feel extra happiness about the fact that they are getting married. Personally, the idea of spending my life with someone has never been connected in the slightest to legal contracts, public spectacles, dresses, rings, or making my family members buy me expensive appliances. The whole wedding package holds no interest for me (and honestly, seems downright terrifying and torturous, because I am very private about my relationships), and the institution of marriage holds no meaning for me.

As an asexual person who is only ever going to be in somewhat unconventional relationships, it is very difficult for me to buy into the idea that people who are getting married have found the best, most meaningful relationships possible, because it can feel to me like an implicit invalidation of my relationships. When one of my coworkers gets engaged to a man she met only months ago and the frenzy begins (this has happened a few times), I can’t bring myself to believe that whatever she has found and fallen into so quickly is the be-all, end-all thing she hopes it is, or that it is somehow categorically better than any ultra-close, lifelong, yet not socially validated relationship of mine. I secretly feel superior, stronger, because I lack two of the things that seem to bring many these brand-new couples together: sexual attraction/desire, and (in my very cynical view) susceptibility to societal pressure to be married, which seems to lead them to put the ceremony before the years-long process of actually building a relationship together, and hope that the relationship actually lives up to the symbol.


9 Responses to "I Don’t Care About Your Wedding"

Haha, yes! I’m totally with you here. I’d wager that more women feel like this than we know, because we’re so encouraged to fake excitement from an early age.

I’d love to marry an asexual girl. Married couples dont have sex and you’d know that your wife wasn’t boning anyone else.

This is all so true, and I’ve been on both sides of the fence. I remember feeling happy to be engaged, but then trapped and terrified once the “wedding hype” juggernaut started. I don’t know why we’re conditioned to view getting married as a major achievement…any idiot can get hitched (and lots of them do it more than once lol). Now, as a divorced asexual, I tend towards the cynicism.

Get thee behind me, conditioning!!

Yeah! I feel completely identified with this post. I hate weddings and every thing around them or imitating them, like first communion in Catholic tradition. I dislike each element of the package, but I hate the whole package more. There are many local traditions around marriage which are plainly stupid and cannot be avoided unless you get married secretly. When one tells me that they’re getting married, I never fake happiness nor excitement, I reply using a deliberately a cliché formula for funerals. And I add “don’t expect me to participate in this.”

On the other side, fortunately in Spain there is no serious pressure to be married, and couples usually don’t get married until they want to make children. This is an advantage for aromantic asexuals.

I’m with you on this one too. I can never see the point of all the excitement surrounding the getting married thing. Many of my friends have gone through this and I am glad for them and that is it.

Most of them have now gone onto the baby making thing and are excited about that too. I have nothing against that either, but again can’t see what all the excitement is about.

Weddings are truly a sick practice. All that money to do the same thing millions have people have done before you. The same old tired spiel – bad food, bad dancing, drunken fools, does anybody really enjoy themselves at these things? Can you tell I’ve just been to one? I’m so glad I will never subject myself or anyone else I know to this mundane spectacle. We ARE superior!

I’m in total agreement with this. The last wedding I attended was 13 years ago. After grinning my way through it (as per usual) I simply decided that I’d had enough. I told my friends and family that I didn’t want to attend any weddings in the future and it’s been one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.

Weddings are one the most visible and potent symbols of heteronormativity around. Why, as an aromantic asexual, should I have to endure a wedding? It’s an occasion strictly dedicated to validating and affirming the status of the committed heterosexual couple.

When I told my friends that I wasn’t interested in a relationship of any sort did everyone jump up and down with joy? Er, no.

Can I expect to celebrate my lifestyle with a lavishly expensive ceremony, attended by gift-bearing friends and relatives? Er, no.

We live in a society that unfairly discriminates between committed heterosexual couples and just about everyone else. Why should those of us who are discriminated against be expected to go along and celebrate this inequality?

Apologies for ranting but….. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

I agree that society -does- unfairly discriminate between heterosexual relationships and…well…everyone else in the known world.

And for the most part, honestly, I feel the same about marriages. Probably because everyone treats it like it’s the best and most sacred thing that can ever happen to you…but nobody, not even the people getting married, really take it seriously. Some chick knows a guy for 2 months and thinks they’re soulmates, and expects everyone to shower her with praise like she’s cured cancer or something…just because a near total stranger (How much can you really know about someone after 2 months?) put a ring on her finger.

However…when my best friend announced her engagement to her boyfriend of 5 years, I was honestly happy for her. They’re a good couple, and they really seem to care about one another. I’m going to be her maid of honor in the ceremony and everything. She’s my dear friend, how could I not be happy for her?

Just because I’m an asexual doesn’t mean I can’t get married myself. Sex doesn’t equate to marriage, not in my mind. If I find a platonic life partner, someone who I’m truly happy with, I expect that my friends would be just as happy for me.

I don’t see it as celebrating the institution of marriage, I see it as celebrating my friend’s happiness.

You sound like you need a hug and a cup of tea.

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