Year In Review, Part I: Romance Is Dead
Posted on: September 26, 2009
When discovered my asexuality a year ago, I saw the word heteroromantic and figured it must apply to me; after all, I have occasionally felt attracted to guys over the course of my life and have been in a long-term relationship with one. And I figured that even though I didn’t ever want to have sex with anyone, I would still want romance at some point, and be forced to navigate the pursuit of it–a complex thing for asexuals in a sexual world.
But the more I thought about it, the more I realized romance wasn’t actually a goal of mine. While it may be intriguing and dramatic and fun, I see it as being unsustainable and separate from the types of relationships I really want in the long run. In my experience, romance is the butterflies and excitement and flattering mutual admiration at the beginning of a relationship (or the beginning of something that never goes anywhere), but it’s not a characteristic that I see as necessary or even possible (for me, at least) in a long-term relationship of any kind.
I have learned that the distinguishing characteristic of the relationships I seek (whether friendships or partnerships) is commitment. Not commitment that requires a ring or a vow or even an explicit declaration, but a mutual and unshakable feeling of being committed to each other’s happiness. It’s about a feeling of “I care about you. I will always be there. I won’t abandon this.” So I’ve reached the point where I know that I won’t be too disappointed if I go the rest of my life without having any romantic interludes, as entertaining and ego-boosting as they may be, because if I can have the less flashy but safer comfort of true understanding and companionship, that’s enough for me.
3 Responses to "Year In Review, Part I: Romance Is Dead"
September 27, 2009 at 8:44 am
This is so true, the shallow fun and drama of romance is definitely destablising for me. Trust and honesty are much higher on my list!
Edge of Everywhere 
September 26, 2009 at 4:09 pm
I usually equate intellectual or psychedelic banter to “really good sex”. What you’ve articulated here resounds with a recurring experience: the best part is the part before we realize “this really isn’t going anywhere,” a common endpoint of most of my conversation romances.
On relationships and commitent:
“I won’t abandon this.”
“a mutual and unshakable feeling of being committed to each other’s happiness.”
I love the way you defined this. Thank you.