To Pass or Not to Pass
Posted on: February 5, 2010
- In: coming out
- 9 Comments
I have conflicted feelings about my ability and tendency to pass as heterosexual. On the one hand, it allows me to connect with people by highlighting only the commonalities in the way we experience attraction and relationships. On the other, it allows people to assume things about me that are not true, which makes me uncomfortable, and it keeps them from fully understanding me.
I’ve recently made a few new female friends, and for most of them, “boy talk” is an important way of bonding. I never mind listening to their experiences and offering advice if they ask, and I am able to drop small bits of information that mark me as like them, even though it’s evident that I am less interested in boys and dating than they are.
However, as I get to be closer friends with people, I find myself wanting to be able to be myself with them and speak honestly about my relationships, including the parts they won’t be able to relate to. But the longer I go without mentioning my asexuality, and the longer I let them believe that I am heterosexual, the harder it seems to find the right time to bring it up, and the weirder it feels to be like, “Hey, it’s true that I like guys, but I don’t want to have sex with them.” I still haven’t figured out if and how I’m going to tell them, besides waiting for a relevant conversation to provide the perfect segue (which has happened to me before, but isn’t something I can count on).
9 Responses to "To Pass or Not to Pass"
February 5, 2010 at 7:53 am
Well… now try to figure out how is it when you are a aromantic assexual D:
After some time I find out the people are tired of speaking about the same thing (sex » love » relationship » sex » family » love » …) EVERY DAY, IN EVERY CONVERSATION!
They will love* to find out someone how has something in mind beyond it.
*Attention: is it probably they will freak out in first moment. D:
February 6, 2010 at 6:51 pm
Tell me about it…I’ve had trouble with the same thing in the past. The only real advice I have to offer is that it sounds like this is a group of friends that all hang out together, and if that’s the case, I wouldn’t mention asexuality for the first time in a group setting. I’d wait to be in a one-on-one situation with someone. I find that people who are not accepting tend to be much more vocal and committed to voicing their opinion than people who are accepting. Unless someone else in the group is queer or asexual, you probably won’t get much backup.
For example…I was once working with a volunteer group, and their leader was a girl around my age. She started asking me for some advice about a date she was going on, and I had no idea what to say, so I answered, “I don’t know, because I’m not attracted to very many people.” She said, “Yeah, me neither”. I really doubt that if we’d been in a group setting, she would have agreed with me like that.
February 9, 2010 at 2:37 am
SlightlyMetaphysical – I completely agree that it’s important not to lie, and that dropping hints about differences as well as similarities in experience and feelings can help people understand.
Ily – Waiting for one-on-one situations to bring it up is also good advice. I’ve considered just dropping the bomb during a group conversation, just to get it out there, but I would rather get a chance to speak with each person individually and answer their questions.
February 10, 2010 at 1:58 pm
Great blog, I spotlighted your blog on mine. I find it interesting that you like guys yet don’t identify as heterosexual. I find that hetero, gay, bi identity and asexuality doesn’t need to be mutually exclusive. Can’t you be a hetero-romantic asexual?
February 10, 2010 at 5:53 pm
Yep, many asexuals also identify as gay, straight, bi or pan-romantic.
February 10, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Oh, and I forgot to say thank you for the blog spotlight! That was very cool of you.
March 8, 2015 at 10:35 pm
Same story here. My work place has a ‘secret santa’ every December and this past year I got my very own copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’.
Passing also means giving up on opportunities to combat ignorance and micro-aggression 😦
Edge of Everywhere 
February 5, 2010 at 5:25 am
I completely agree. Having surrounded myself with new people recently, it’s difficult to fit in without loosing your identity, and then people won’t believe you when you come out.
I think the best way is to force yourself never, ever to lie (unless it’s to someone who you really don’t care about outing yourself to, like a man in a shop), and to drop almost as many hints that you’re “not that into” all that sort of things as the hints that you understand them, have similarities with them and aren’t judgemental.