The Virgin Issue
Posted on: August 1, 2009
The more I think about it, the more I hate the word “virgin” and wish it would just go away. Long before I came to identify as asexual, I was uncomfortable with the heteronormative nature of the concept, and was aware that it was irrelevant for non-heterosexuals. Sexual people of various orientations can and should redefine and reclaim the idea of being or not being a virgin in whatever way makes sense to them and fits with their idea of what sex is, but opting out of the dichotomy altogether is more complicated.
Since I do like guys in some sense, people (particularly heterosexual guys) often put together the ideas of “straight” and “virgin” and can’t seem to get their heads around the idea of heterosexual virginity being a state that does not necessarily ever need to change. They assume I am attainable, and occasionally delude themselves into thinking they will be the first to attain me. The idea of women who like men but don’t want to have sex with them just does not exist for most people. I don’t like admitting that I am a virgin for this reason, but don’t want to say that I’m not, either.
12 Responses to "The Virgin Issue"
August 1, 2009 at 3:33 pm
I don’t think society can define virgin, it’s an individual thing, it’s physical, emotional, spiritual virgin can mean many things to many people.
http://queersunited.blogspot.com
August 1, 2009 at 3:34 pm
Also Isaac I would disagree about gay males, not all gay males engage in anal sex, so would they be life long virgins if they just do oral, foreplay and all the other stuff?
August 1, 2009 at 6:41 pm
SlightlyMetaphysical got my point. Virginity has to do with a specific activity. Is a lesbian who has never had sex with men a virgin? I don’t think so. But, if she realizes that she is bisexual and tried to have sex also with men, she would be a virgin at her beginning. She’s not become virgin by realizing her bisexuality, but now her virginity becomes relevant.
Queerunity, I know that only a part of gay males engage in anal sex, and I didn’t want to mean otherwise. I wrote “homosexual males who practice anal sex” without comma before the pronoun, thus the clause is restrictive. Are straight males life-long anally virgins? Technically they’re so, but it’s irrelevant since they’re straight.
August 2, 2009 at 11:40 am
That’s an interesting definition of virginity that I’ve not come across before. It would imply that most asexuals aren’t actually virgins, because there’s nothing for us to be virgin to.
August 5, 2009 at 4:35 am
I don’t really see a problem, the technical definition of virgin is some one who never had sex. It doesn’t say anything about wanting to or not wanting to. As Mr. R one of the greatest teacher in the world “Guys are Pigs!, If your a Girl Ignore the ignorance!!!!” But in today’s society so are the women.
August 5, 2009 at 2:13 pm
I hate being asked if I’m a virgin, because I’d rather just answer ‘it doesn’t matter’. Either way it doesn’t increase my chances of having sex with the person asking, and 99% of the time it’s none of their business! I’m not ashamed of being a virgin, but I don’t feel like it’s relevant to tell most people. I also hate the connotations of the word, as it makes people assume you’re innocent/naieve in other areas.
August 6, 2009 at 8:45 pm
Nice post. I agree with the person above me. I hate being asked too, and the connotations that go with it. Then people start asking if its because of my religion and going all crazy trying to understand how a 20something has kept it this long. Guys suddenly see me as this mountain they must now surmount instead of me the person. I told this guy I liked that I was a virgin. At first he was so careful with me, even when we kissed, and acted like I had nothing to worry about. Then near the end of things, as his feelings started to wane, I think he began holding on to the relationship only to see if he could get sex out of the oldest virgin he knew. The very last time we hung out he actually got aggressive and upset when I told him I wasn’t ready at all. He asked why I couldn’t just relax and trust him. Then literally tried to force me out of no where. I feel like being a virgin is a burden today. Once they find out its like guys get hung up on being “first”. Ugh I hate it.
August 7, 2009 at 2:16 am
yeah, before I even knew I was asexual I had told my friends I intended to die a virgin, and since I am an atheist, this confused people. I once had a guy say, “so you’re saving yourself for your boyfriend?” I was like “No, I’m saving myself for myself.” He didn’t hear me, he’d made up his mind. The only possible reason I could be college aged and a virgin was that I intended the “honor” to go to someone “special”, not that I was perfectly content as I was.
August 7, 2009 at 8:52 pm
Thanks for your comments, everyone!
Wakarimasen – Actually, the dictionary definition of virgin is someone who has not had sexual intercourse, so what I’m saying is that I think it’s irrelevant to people who don’t ever want to have sexual intercourse.
tofindmywings – I realized after I posted that I forgot to mention the innocence issue you raised, but yeah, I hate that connotation as well, and have definitely struggled with being seen as innocent and naive.
starshine1 – Wow, the way that guy acted is really horrible and screwed up! It’s a huge problem that some guys see virginity as a challenge they can win, regardless of the woman’s desires.
September 9, 2009 at 10:35 pm
I have to agree with Wakari about the technical definition of virgin being someone who hasn’t had sex. Now how you define sex becomes the issue. For instance, I considered myself a virgin until I had sexual intercourse (meaning, until my cat was penetrated). Now, prior to this, I’d let guys eat me out plenty times. But to me, sex meant actual penetration.
Some people will say kissing or even petting equates to sex. I guess all these words are pretty debatable.
Edge of Everywhere 
August 1, 2009 at 11:35 am
I think that the concept of virginity is relevant for homosexual males who practice anal sex.
August 1, 2009 at 1:21 pm
If you mean that it’s important for homosexual men to announce that they’re receiving anal sex for the first time, for practical reasons, I absolutely agree, but I’m not sure about the word ‘virgin’ to describe this. In my opinion, if a gay man’s done everything but receptive anal, he’s not still a virgin.